Isn’t that a lovely word: “ease”? What does it mean to you? I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to me because I’ve decided it is my theme for this year. That is to say, it is the overarching scope of life that I wish to create for myself in the new year. Not exactly a resolution, more of a goal and manifestation.
It’s an easy (haha) word to bat around, but not so easy to deeply understand and even less easy (meh) to manifest.
After a recent phone conversation with my 14-year-old daughter, in which I attempted to cajole and bribe her into being less angsty and churlish, I said aloud to the good friend I was with, “I try too hard to please my family.” She merely replied, “You said it, not me.”
Do I try too hard to make people happy? Arguably, yes. But I often feel like the people I want most to make happy are the most impossible to please. And then, what about making myself happy? When I do things for myself I’m often overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. I sometimes do the things anyway but those feelings mediate every carefree moment, every personal joy.
And then there’s the whole trust thing. That is something that suffered deeply this last year. In a couple areas of my life, I learned that I am closer and more connected to friends than I have possibly ever been. In a couple other areas of my life, I have found my slowly won faith and trust to have suffered heavy damages and been left exceedingly shaky; more so than has been true for a very long time. Both were profound lessons.
It is this latter one that still plagues me, of course. Much as I desire to move on and just chalk it up to one more challenging set of experiences on the unpaved road of my life, I am shaken. Really and truly shaken to the core.
How do I stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? How do I stop holding my breath and allow ease? How do I trust that things will be alright? How do I believe in something again?
Of course, geologically speaking, none of this is significant. That actually provides me some comfort and much-needed perspective (no, really, it does).
All the same, this life I’m living is right now, and right now I feel uneasy.
I know there’s nothing for it but to keep moving forward; to keep taking care of those who depend on me; keep getting dressed and going out into the world; keep acting as though I have any real clue as to what the hell I’m doing. I’m extrapolating and interpolating data from all quarters as quickly and efficiently as I can.
Just waiting for my heart to catch up and find ease.